Hello friends and family! It’s Barnaby, back again to bust your tennis balls. Today I wanted to write an open letter to humans and discuss our lack of respect and the assumption that we are illiterate. Newsflash: WE AREN’T. Your uneducated memes are not only inaccurate but hurtful. And now that we’ve seen your homeschooling efforts, we’re very concerned.
My dad always said, “If you can’t hang with the big dogs, get off the porch!” so here goes nothing.
An Open Letter To Humans Everywhere
Dear Humans,
As an educated canine, I find it appalling that you constantly feel a need to undermine our intelligence as a species. Do you really think we spell it “hoomans”? We’re not idiots. We can spell.
Haz? I haz a cheezburger? Nuh uh. Think again my human friends. We know how to properly form a sentence with verbs and adjectives, and maybe even a present participle or two! And we know how to spell “what,” “is,” and “please” like we have a brain. It’s not “wut,” “iz,” or “pweaze” (even if that last one is completely adorable when paired with a wide-eyed puppy).
And that meme about us calling 911 to report that we threw up and then the dispatcher asking us if we tried eating it? That one hits close to home. We’re just trying to be helpful and hygienic, so why must you laugh at our digestive expense? Maybe if you tried cooking us a steak once in a while we wouldn’t be so inclined to vomit on your ugly Louboutins.
Let’s talk about the one that says, “I’m not fat, just a little Husky.” I get the pun, Karen, but I’ll have you know that I have friends who are Huskies and they’re perfectly fine with their body image. Why don’t you try harassing a manager at an Arby’s instead of me and my friends? I’m sure there’s an expired coupon they won’t accept hidden in your minivan somewhere.
Also, we know what a “snack” is so you don’t have to write “snacc” anymore. I look like a snack, not a snacc. And what’s with all the “hecks”?! So many hecks! We don’t even say that! Only middle-aged men named Tom from Michigan or Wisconsin say that. They say it while they’re wearing their New Balance sneakers and jean shorts while talking on their cell phone that they keep holstered on their hip. There. I said it.
So, on behalf of dogs everywhere, we ask that you please spread the message and stand united with us in our pursuit of equality for all dogs.
P.S.,
Don’t assume we’re stoopid until you can tell us the difference between they’re, their, and there, KAREN.
This is Barnaby signing off. Remember, punctuation is important.
Let’s eat grandpa.
Let’s eat, grandpa.
Toledo, United States.
